Phillip leaned forward and urged her on, “And what happened then?”
His patient was in tears. She was trying to remember the details of her rape, but she didn’t want to. It was too painful for her to think about. The hotel staff found her five years ago tied up and naked on a bed. Before the rape, she had a bright future of purpose and love. She had a boyfriend and was a student at law school. Then the rape happened, and it changed everything. The police harassed the boyfriend enough that he left her. He did not have a good alibi. She dropped out of law school and now can barely hold a job. She had gained a hundred pounds and refused to diet or exercise. Her future is now just trying to deal with her past. That one night destroyed her entire life.
  “I can’t… I can’t…” she cried out to him.
  Phillip eased back into his chair with disappointment. He almost had her remember some of the night. She was facing away from him on a couch with her knees curled up to her chin. It was a large and comfortable couch that all his patients ended up becoming friends with. She did not see the disappointment on his face and he was happy she did not. He reassured her and got up and gave her some tissues. He ended the session with her until next week.
  It took her a long time to admit that something wrong had happened to her. If he could break the barrier of that horrible event, then he knew she could heal and return to a normal life. He would not give up on her. He looked over his notes from her session and made detailed notes with ideas for a plan for their next session.
  He looked up at the clock on the wall in his office and it was seven o’clock. Phillip missed dinner with his family again. He sighed and dropped his pen on his desk. Then he got up, turned off the lights, and locked the door behind him. He got in his car and fought the traffic to get home.
It was eight thirty when he got home. His eldest daughter had cooked as usual. The leftovers from the meal were in the fridge.
  “I’m sorry I’m late,” he told his eldest daughter, Stacy.
  “It’s cool, dad. Mom was late too,” she said.
  He smiled, but still felt guilty. He gave her a big hug and asked, “How was school?”
She hugged him back. “It’s the worst,” Stacy said. He laughed a little at her.
  “It is! When do I get to drop out and just cook for you guys?” Stacy inquired.
  “Never,” he responded. “Life doesn’t get any easier,” he told her. As they parted, she rolled her eyes at him. She was tired of hearing that.
  “Seriously, how is everything? How are things with… Nate…?” he forgot her boyfriend’s name.
  “It’s Greg. Good thing my boyfriend doesn’t hear you. He would think I’m cheating on him!” Stacy told him jokingly.
  “Wasn’t there a Nate at some point?” he asked, really forgetting.
  “Yeah, like four frigging years ago, dad!” Stacy said in a playful manner.
  “How are things with Greg?” Phillip asked, genuinely concerned.
  “It’s ok… he keeps…” she sighed and said, “he keeps wanting me to hang out with him really late… like really late and I’m like… no! Why are men so pressuring for that?”
  “It is human nature, Stacey. I am sorry to say. All men are like that,” he responded honestly.
  “I’m afraid that if I don’t, then he will just leave me and I don’t want that to happen,” she said. “I am not in love with him, but I really like him. I don’t want him to leave me. Like… what do I do?” she asked sincerely.  
  “Some are worth keeping and some are not, regardless of how you feel. Just be honest with him. If he cares, then he will listen and is worth keeping. If he doesn’t listen, then he doesn’t care. I’m sorry sweetie, but it’s not as easy as tv makes it,” Phillip told Stacey.
  She nodded her head, and it sank in. “Thanks dad,” Stacey told him. “I love you, even if you don’t show up on time because you don’t care about me or this family.” He chuckled at her mocking him, “I mean I guess I am the only one that cares because I cook for everyone!” she sarcastically as threw her hands up and walked away. Phillip’s wife then walked into the kitchen.  
  “Hey! I beat you home so you get to do dishes!” she said happily because she won.
  “When did you get home?” Phillip asked his wife, Gwen.
  “I got home at six and your daughter a made lovely meal,” Gwen responded.
  “Don’t let her fool you dad, she got home ten minutes ago!” Stacey said from around the corner.
Gwen ignored her and asked her husband, “How was work?”
  Phillip shook his head and rolled his eyes, making an annoying gesture, “No progress… but I think I have found something else to try out. What about you?”
  Gwen responded with the same annoying gesture, “I think I accomplished something today, but it doesn’t seem like it,” she let a heavy sighed with a look of stress.
  “That is our life, just two people stuck in the mud going nowhere and getting older, getting it done,” Phillip responded.
  “Yeah… but at least you can accomplish something and do the dishes after you eat,” she said teasingly. They both prepared a plate of food Stacey had made and warmed their meals in the microwave. They sat down beside one another at the kitchen table and were about to enjoy their company and their meals, but a phone interrupted them.
  “Hello,” Gwen answered her phone. “What do you mean: ‘you lost it?’ … Well I left …” She got up from the table upset from the phone call and continued the conversation in the other room. Phillip did not wait and finished his meal. He started cleaning the dishes and finished by the time she came in and sat down. Gwen rewarmed her food in the microwave, and Phillip went to see his youngest daughter, Dawn.
  “Dad, are teachers really from another planet?” her absurd question struck him.
  “If they are, I think they are wasting time trying to teach you,” Phillip responded to his daughter. She then went into a long discussion about why she thought her teacher was inhumane and therefore alien. He wished her a good night and left her in her room and closed her door. She turned on some music at a low volume and continued with her homework. Phillip went to shower. Afterwards, he found his wife in their bedroom and was on another phone call.
  “I don’t care. I will tend to it tomorrow,” she said and hanged up. “Raising our children was so much easier than dealing with my assistants. They are smart, but then they argue too much.”
  “Do you miss it? Working till midnight every night?” he asked her. She used to work late before they had children. He would sometimes only see her during their lunches. They met in college and started dating and never looked back. Both were intelligent, successful, and beautiful people. They both worked hard and cared deeply for each other and their daughters.
  “No, I don’t,” Gwen insisted.
  “Did you even talk to your daughters this evening?” Phillip asked.
  “I talked to Dawn about her crazy teacher. I think he must be from another planet,” Gwen said and Phillip laughed at Gwen, “I went to law school and she has more homework and studies more than I ever did!!”
  “Did you talk to Stacey?” Phillip asked.
  “Not much of a chance…” she said, exhausted by the day.
  “Greg, her boyfriend, is pressuring her for sex,” Phillip told her.
  “Greg is her boyfriend?” she whispered to Phillip, “She has the worst taste in men! He is stupid and ugly!” Gwen whispered fiercely to Phillip so their kids could not hear, “She should dump that man and find someone else!” Phillip chuckled at Gwen’s honesty about Greg and Stacey. “She should date someone so much better looking than him! GREG!!??? Yuck!!” Gwen said as Phillip chuckled.
  “Gwen, I know you love Stacey and want what is best for her. You got to let her make her own mistakes,” Phillip said.
  “I know you tell me that, but she deserves so much better! She should marry the prince of England! He is single!” Gwen then switched gears, “Is Stacey even our daughter? I am a lawyer and you’re a therapist. Where did she get the need to be so lazy?”
  Phillip continued chuckling with his wife and discussing their lives and children. They both went to sleep without a kiss. The next morning, the four of them were at breakfast.
  “Are you going on your monthly gambling trip?” Gwen asked Phillip.
  Phillip looked at her, stunned. He had honestly forgotten. “I honestly have forgotten. Next weekend is the last weekend of the month…”
  Gwen laughed at Phillip, “For someone who has a gambling addiction… you certainly are forgetful of your monthly gambling trip.” Phillip does not have a gambling addiction, but it is only an inside joke. Phillip makes a monthly trip to a city that is five hours drive one way. It is his personal holiday from work and life. After he got to work, he scheduled a hotel room for the next weekend.
  “Are you paying cash?” the hotel front desk person responded.
  “Yes,” Phillip replied.

  That next weekend, Phillip was sitting at the bar drinking his whiskey. Phillip, however, was not Phillip. Phillip was under an alias known as Sam. Sam had paid cash for the room and was paying cash at the bar. The city has a large presence for gambling, but Sam was not here for gambling. Sam was here for a woman. There was a latino woman at the bar. She was short and petite. She was beautiful and seemed bored.
  Sam went over to introduce himself to her.
  “Oh… hi, I am just waiting for my friend,” she told the stranger named Sam or Phillip.
Sam struck up a conversation with her. In a few minutes, she had dropped her guard to the stranger and seemed to enjoy the conversation. She was a cautious person and worried about meeting strange men because men could be violent or dangerous.  
  Her friend finally came down to join her, and she took her purse and left Sam. Sam returned to the other seat and sat there for forty-five more minutes. He then got up and returned to his room. Hours had passed. Sam left his room and was ready for her. He left the hotel and went out into the city. Sam was a little drunk, but not too much. He still had his senses and could walk easily, and did not slur his words. Sam found her in the crowd of the evening bars and small live music shows. He stayed back and did not approach her. Time passed and she and her friend made their way back to the hotel. He followed her back to the hotel. He returned from a different direction to the hotel and saw her out front. She spotted him and waved a little.
  She was drunk and so was her friend. Sam was not interested in her friend. He was interested in her. They took the same elevator, and he got off on his floor. He casually walked backed to his room as the doors to the elevator closed. The anger came from somewhere. It always came from somewhere. Maybe it was his midlife crisis. It might have been all the debt he allowed Gwen to accumulate over the years. Maybe it was something else, something more of a calling. Sam or Phillip always had a sexual fantasy of being rough with women.
  He did not have a disorder and went by another name to protect himself and his family. He tried rough sex with Gwen when they were dating. She was not into it, and he loved her too much to hurt her. He tried a dominatrix, but he wanted to be in control. He wanted to unleash the pain. Then he found some women who liked it, but it was never enough.
  “You only live once,” Sam told himself, “it is time to live and allow yourself this pleasure.” He came out of the stairway on her floor and she was there at her door. She was too drunk to use the security key card properly. The anger came out, and it filled him. His vision became red. He wanted to rape her and to kill her. He delved farther into his sexuality than most do. He found it exhilarating to rape a woman while she breathed her last breath. It is something primitive that is deep inside him that enjoys the sexual nature of the ultra-violent assault. She sees him and is too drunk to recognize the threat.
  “Oh… hey… didn’t you get off on your floor?” she asked him. He took the key card away from her and opened her door. He grabbed her and pushed her inside as the door closed behind him.
He pushed her onto the bed and held her down. He pulled himself out and put himself inside her. His fingers found her throat. There was so much pleasure from all of this. His vision went from red to white.

  Phillip awoke in his bed, and it was late morning. He did not remember the rest of the evening. He got up and went downstairs for breakfast. Then he left the hotel and drove home. At home, his wife was waiting for him in the house. His children were not there.  
  “Sit down. We need to talk,” she said. Phillip did not like the sound of this. This was something serious.
  “I am in love with someone else, and I can’t do this anymore. I don’t love you anymore. I want…” the words that Gwen told him only became noise. The love of his life was emotionally killing him in that moment. The anger came from somewhere and his vision started going completely white.