Jacob was late for his shitty job, but who gave a fuck?
  His tiny apartment fit his tiny life in his tiny town. He lived in what used to be a shed under a house. It could be called a garage, but it was too narrow for a car to fit in. It had a door that held the only window to the room. A bed, radio, small fridge, and a hot plate were his prize possessions he owned. He had a car, but it was an old rusted piece of junk. He left his abode and slammed the door shut in a hurry. It was a little cold, and he did not realize how cold it was until he stepped outside. He knew he was going to have car trouble due to the cold.
  After several attempts at starting his rust bucket and nine hours of washing dishes in a dingy and dimly lit wash room, he went to his Ma’s house.
  “You can spend the night here, you know. Don’t have to go back to that shed,” Ma told him.
  “Ma, we both agreed that I move out so we could have space for each other,” Jacob reminded her.
  “Yeah, but not to live in that basement. It ain’t right. You’re a good kid. You deserve better,” Ma told him. He sat at their dinner table that they had sat at a million times in their lives. She was putting bowls of food out for both of them: warmed up mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, green beans, and fried chicken from the previous night. He had stopped serving his plate with the last comment. He refused to get into an argument with her. They argued all the time when they lived together. He loved his Ma, but was constantly annoyed by her. And these little annoyances boiled into angry arguing between the two of them. He was unhappy in the shed, but that was the only place to live in the town. This was a never ending discussion.
  “Did you hear about Angie?” Ma inquired as he rolled his eyes. Ma never kept her nose out of his business. Angie was a waitress at the diner where he worked. They used to be high school sweethearts. Ma never forgave him for breaking up. She continued the gossip with a heavy hint of ‘you need to listen to this’, “I heard she got into a big fight with her husband.”
  “Ma, why do you always do this? It is over between her and me. It has been for six years. She moved on and married Joey,” Jacob told her.
  “Joey, what kind of name is Joey?” She always said that after he mentioned the husband. She knew who Joey was and used to be his teacher in Sunday school. His Ma, as all mothers, thought her own son was the better choice. This did not make him feel proud or loved, simply annoyed as all children are by their mother’s blind devotion to them.
  “Ma… let’s just eat, alright?” he said, helping his plate from the dishes before him. He grabbed three chicken legs and large helpings from the other side dishes. His encouragement to eat to end the conversation worked. She helped her plate and began eating as well.
  When they finished their meal, she instructed him, “Clean up the kitchen and put the food away.” They had this fight every night, but he would not argue with her tonight. All he did, all day, was wash dishes. It was nice to have a good meal, but he wished he didn’t have to wash any more dishes. She sat in the living room watching tv and having a smoke. He finished cleaning the dishes and went to the living room to leave.
  “Did you finish?” she asked, as if he was ten years old.
  “Yes Ma. Good night,” he leaned in and gave a son’s kiss on her cheek. She moved her head toward him, expecting it.
  “Night dear,” she said.
  “Remember to lock up after I leave. There is a serial burglar going around. He robbed Cynthia Johnsons’ place last night.”
  “Oh my! Why are you telling me this now?! I need to call her and check on her,” she said.
  “Sorry Ma, I just remembered. Don’t forget to lock up…” It was no use talking to her. She had already called Cynthia, and they were chatting away.
  “I heard what happened. Are you alright?” she said to Cynthia over the phone. Jacob continued to leave her house and he could still hear the conversation as he closed the door. “Why is there a burglar here? We have nothing of value to steal here. I wouldn’t be in this small town if I was a burglar. I would be in a big city. But you are doing alright?”
  Jacob’s life was miserable. It was predictable. He hated it. Another thing he hated was their neighbor, Marguerite, that lived next to his childhood home his whole life. She was pretty when he was younger and had an interest in her before he understood sex and testosterone, but now she was just an old woman. While he warmed up his car to drive across town to his shitty apartment.   She came outside to smoke and talk with him.
  “Hey Jacob. Did you hear about Angie and Joey’s fight?” she asked him.
  “Yeah, I heard. Married couples fight. I remember you and Walter fighting a few times.”
  “Yeah, we had a few rounds. You heard those, did you?” she asked him rhetorically and a little embarrassed that her neighbors heard them. He was referring to when he was a child. Walter, like his own father, had passed away. “This was not a fight, this was a fight to end all fights and to break up. Do you know the difference?” she asked him. Jacob simply shook his head ‘no’. “He walked out on her. Joey is a good man, but not the one for Angie. You two were meant for each other. I pray for you two every night to get back together. I just know in my heart that you two would be great for each other. Angie and Joey have been married for four years and have no children. That is just not right.” As much as he wanted to drive away right then, he knew better.  He then had to wait for it to warm up or it would stall a minute down the road.
  Wash. Rinse. Repeat. That was Jacob’s life. Every day of the week was the same. He would have a slice of bread and peanut butter with orange juice. He would be late to work. Order a cup of coffee and started washing the kitchen dishes and then the plates, silverware, and cups the customers would use. He would finish his only cup that his boss allowed in thirty minutes. At his break, he would eat his peanut butter and jelly sandwich. After nine hours of work, he would leave. Then he would go to his Ma’s where she would talk about Angie and then he would wash those dishes. Then listen to his neighbor Marguerite and then drive home. The next day, repeat.
  On the weekend, he had nothing else to do but to get a second job. He had to get out of that small town. He worked at the grocery store as a bagger. Cashier made a little more money, and he begged every week to be hired on full time and always got turned down.
  He seemed like a loser, but he was left to rot in that town. Life had left him there, and it seemed all like bad luck. He went to college for a few years and made new friends and dated some. He did good in college, but then Pa died and he had to return at the end of his third semester to help take care of Ma. His older sister was overseas at a great job and had a family, and he was the only one who could help their mother. He went home for the funeral and he thought he would go back to college and only miss one semester. That was when it happened. After that, he was stuck there and could not leave, literally. He bought bus tickets to head out, but the bus would break down. That happened three times, and the tickets were nonrefundable. He had no choice but to get a job. Only job available in the entire small town was at the diner. The town is so small there are only two places to eat. One is at a gas station that sells made to order cold sandwiches. The rest of that gas station has aisles of bagged food and various items. The second place is the diner. There is no name on the outside except for ‘open’ and ‘hot meals’. He worked and saved money by staying with his mom.
  The one dealership in town that sells used cars would not sell him a car because they found out he was going to drive out of town. They were afraid he would skip on the payments. He bought the used rust bucket from a neighbor. Everyone in the small town is a neighbor, but it broke down all the time. He attempted to leave five times in it but would break down at about the same spot regardless of weather. The word ‘cursed’ could not begin to describe it. The word ‘shitty’ could not begin to describe it. He read in the newspaper one of his good friends had lucked into becoming a CEO of a small but thriving business. He knew he could get a job there if only he could get out of town and even tried calling him on his cell phone, but his friend must have gotten a new number. After calling the company, the secretary started screening his calls and would always go to voicemail. Simply: Jacob was fucked.
  “Did you hear what happened to Benny?” Ma asked. Only a preacher of a small town would everyone refer to him as ‘Benny’ and especially a Methodist preacher. He heard he had died in a boating accident. That became the hot gossip at the diner and eventually became annoying after hearing about it a hundred times.
  “Yes, Ma. I heard. It’s a shame,” he said, helping his plate. Tonight was leftover meatloaf with sides of mashed potatoes and green peas. He heard the phrase ‘it’s a shame’ a million times today. It was sad to hear he had died. He was only forty-five, yet it was still annoying to hear that same damn phrase uttered all damn day long. He repeated the phrase as a private joke for himself.
  “They found his boat on Spruce Pond. He must have drowned,” Jacob commented.
“I can’t believe Benny is gone. I feel like I just buried your Pa. Benny did such a good job with the service. Do you remember?” Ma asked. Jacob simply nodded. “He comforted me and came by often. It was nice.”
  “He was a good man. Died too young,” Jacob told her. They finished their meal and then he finished the dishes and went outside. Marguerite came outside to smoke and talked about Angie.
“I pray every night for you two to be together,” she told him. He only nodded in politeness. It also struck a memory. It was of Benny after Pa died. Benny told him, ‘He will pray every night for his Ma and him to stay together.’ Benny told him how sad Ma was after his Pa’s death. The only thing that was keeping her alive was her son. Benny saw the worst of it after he went back to college to finish his third semester after the funeral. Saw the aftermath of the death where the real grief came in. Benny went to see her often, and she was not the same. After he came back to live with Ma, she improved.
  The next day, instead of eating at Ma’s, he ate at the dinner. He was not in the mood for Ma’s leftovers, and the smell of the chicken and dumplings at the diner got to him. That was all he could think of. He called Ma from the diner’s phone to let her know. She was fine with it. He suspected she was only fine with it for any small chance he and Angie would talk. He sat down after his shift to order.
  There was so much pressure from the entire town for him and Angie to work it out. Most of the time, he just completely avoided her. He was no longer in love with her, and he knew what little he talked with her would be gossip for months. This was different. He needed a break from Ma and washing dishes after his meal there. A break from Marguerite and he really wanted some chicken and dumplings. He was not going to allow the entire town to prevent a break in his routine and for him to have some small pleasure in his life. The simple idea of eating and going straight to his shitty apartment seemed like heaven.
  Angie was working and walked up to him. “What are you doing?” she asked.
  “Can I get some chicken and dumplings with fried okra?” he asked her. That was all he wanted to say to her.
  “No, I mean… what are you doing? Why are you working here? You are better than this. Is this some desperate attempt to win me back? It’s pathetic.”
He exploded in anger but kept his cool, mostly, “I just want some goddamn food, alright.” She rolled her eyes and started to walk away, but he spoke up at which she stopped, “I am fucking miserable working here. I would be more than happy to leave.”
  “Why don’t you then? What is keeping you here?” Angie asked him.
  “Money, Ma, my car, the bus breaking down. About everything. I am not here because of you, but I can’t find work anywhere else. I am so close to just stealing a car, but they would know instantly that it was me. Car is gone, and I am gone. Case solved.”
  Angie sighed loudly. “Look at them. Can’t they get a life?” she said, referring to the townspeople in the diner paying close attention to the two of them. He sat far away from everyone else on the empty side of the diner. He wanted to be left alone and eat in peace. They were all staring at the two of them. The fabled town couple. They had been talking in low tones to one another so not to be overheard.
  “I would be happy to let you take my car,” she said that dryly and sarcastically. “At least then one of us will leave. I will get you your food.”
  “Nice catching up with you,” he responded in a mean spirited way. She brought his food and walked off without saying a word to him. He ate in silence, which he enjoyed. Went to his apartment and found a sports game on the radio and listened to it while he went to sleep. He started alternating between eating at Ma’s and the diner. Angie and him both continued a no-talking relationship, which he preferred.
  Months passed and one nightly visit to Ma’s revealed an empty house. It was odd for her not to be there, and it held an usual quiet. He called her cell phone from the landline at the house.
  “Oh Jacob, I have such horrible news. Marguerite has died,” she said sadly.
  He went to the hospital to check on Ma. “I am glad you are here, Jacob. She was such a great friend and neighbor. She helped us out more than you realized. But I have no tears for her. None. I cry so much and still do for your Pa that I have none for anyone else.” He found her just sitting in the waiting room. He did not know who she was waiting for.
  “Come on Ma, let’s go home,” he told her.
  “I can’t go back to the house. It is too depressing. Let’s go eat at the diner. I want to go out,” she told him.
  At the diner, they sat down and Angie walked over to take their order.
  “Marguerite died. Isn’t that sad?” Ma told Angie.
  “Oh, I am sorry. She was a nice woman,” Angie told Ma.
  “Yes, just… when are you two ever going to get back together?” Ma asked Angie.
  “Ma!” Jacob protested.
  “Life is too short. You and Joey don’t belong together. Everyone knows it!” Ma continued.
  “Ma! That is enough. Angie and I have been broken up for six years. It is over. I don’t miss her. She does not miss me. She is with Joey and I am happy for the two of them!” Jacob yelled at Ma. Ma just looked at Jacob and nodded.
  “I don’t want to eat anything, really. Just two slices of your peach pie, please. Marguerite loved peaches. And some coffee,” Ma said.
  “Two slices of peach pie and a coffee,” he told Angie without looking at her. Angie walked off to get their order.
  “I’m sorry Jacob,” Ma told him. That was the first time she apologized.
  “It’s ok Ma,” he told her.
  “I just want you to be happy,” Ma told him.
  “I know Ma,” Jacob said. Angie brought the four slices of pies and two cups of coffee. The two ate in silence. A week later, he found out that Angie was moving out of town.
  “Jacob, I got a job out of town! I am going to the big city! It is just a waitress job, but still. They said from tips I will make twice as much. Joey is also finally ready to leave. He is going to get a job doing something. What it does, does not matter. We will finally leave and hopefully make much more money,” Angie said with a bright smile on her face. He had never seen her so happy. “You need to get out of here before this town kills you,” she said. He was surprised at the last comment. That she was thinking about him and felt concern for him. It warmed his heart some. But then twenty minutes passed, and he was in a depressed mood again: the dishes, the sink, the bleach he smelled all day. He was never leaving.
  As he scrubbed a dirty pan, a thought occurred to him. Maybe it was the bleach fumes, or maybe he was going crazy. But it was a thought he could not shake. It was about praying. While his thoughts swirled around his head as the suds did in the sink of it draining, he got a phone call. He wiped his hands dry and answered the diner’s phone.
  “This is Jacob.”
  “Hey Jacob. You were always wanting that job as a cashier. Are you still interested?” It was his boss at the grocery store.
  “Yeah. Yes! I would be an amazing cashier!”
  “Great Jacob. I knew you could do the job. That was never the issue. My wife is forcing me to do less standing at my job. She found about these test results I had five months ago. So we are going to start you on full time and ten cents bump in pay. Does that sound great?”
  “YES! It does!”
  “Ok, well, how does next Monday sound?”
  “Yes! Yes, I can do that.”
  “I will still have you bag this weekend but after that. You will be a cashier.”
  “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
  “Easy kid, you didn’t win the lottery. But I am sure it will be better than scrubbing pots. Ok see you then,” and the phone abruptly cut off. Jacob was so excited about quitting his job and getting out of there that he thought about telling Mr. Mason he will quit the day before his last day. It would be nice to have a day off. The last day he had off, he could not remember. He went back to washing dishes. His excitement blurred over the thoughts he was having before that phone call. But when one washes dishes all one has are their thoughts. His thoughts eventually circled back.
Jacob had to go see Angie before she left. He went to her and Joey’s apartment and knocked on their door. Angie answered and when she saw him, she angrily bursted out of the apartment. The door slammed hard behind her.
  “What the fuck Jacob! I was starting to think maybe I was wrong. Maybe you were right that you just weren’t working there to be close to me. This is ridiculous. I am with Joey. Move the fuck on!”
“Why the hell do you always think this is about you?!! It is not about that or us. I just need a favor. Please, I need your help,” Jacob begged her.
  “What?” she said quickly to be done with him.
  “I need to get out of town. If you could, please just give me a ride to where you are going. I can hitch rides the rest of the way.”
  “No! Just take a bus,” she responded annoyed.
  “I can’t take a bus. They will break down whenever I try to leave on them,” he told her. She smiled at him, but in a mean way.
  “Are you serious? God, this is desperate. Jacob, I left you because you are an atheist. I needed to be with someone who believed in God. Now you are telling me you are superstitious? I don’t buy it. This is just some crazy and weird attempt for us to be together and win me over. I am with Joey. Get over it. I am glad that after I leave here, I will never see you again!!”
  The next day, it felt weird that Angie was no longer there but also a relief. Instead of ‘are they going to reconcile’ the town now thinks ‘why didn’t you try?’. While the rest of the town was occupied with the broken heart Jacob must have felt, he was occupied with other thoughts. Benny prayed every night for him and Ma to remain together. Even though Jacob moved out of Ma’s house, he still saw her everyday. Then Benny died, and he did not have to see her everyday.    Marguerite prayed every night for him and Angie to get back together. Then a week goes by and Angie is leaving town and he has a new job. Why did he see Ma everyday? What was keeping him and Angie there at the diner? Was it the praying? Was his bad luck of staying in town from someone praying as well? Who could it be? He wondered for hours as he washed. The only person he could think of was Ma. This was all crazy talk, but he needed to be careful about how he broached the subject with her.

***

  “Ma, I have not been living the best life. The life that I have wanted. It has left me feeling,” Jacob paused. She loved her son, but sometimes he came off as simple. It might have been breathing in all of that bleach from the dishes. Thank God he finally got a better job, the loser.
  “You can tell me, son,” Ma told Jacob to encourage him.
  It helped. He said more comfortably, “…has made me feel depressed, really depressed. And I have never been a man for religion. I am thinking about… starting to go to church. I hope that it might help. I may even start praying.”
  “That’s good son. Real good. It isn’t the same without Benny, but it’s a service,” Ma said.
  “Do you pray?”
  “Yeah, I pray. I pray every night sweety,” she said.
  “I never really done it before. I don’t even know how to even begin,” Jacob told her.
She said a small pray under her breath right there, ‘Lord, help this poor fool.’
  “Well, it is really simple. You just ask. Just be honest and humble when you do it,” she told him.
  “What kinds of things do you pray for?” Jacob asked.
  “Anything and everything. Just whatever is on my mind.”
  He looked away from her and did not want to make eye contact with her. He was clearly avoiding asking her something. She was too old for his timid questioning.
  “Hurry up and spit it out! My favorite tv show is about to come on!” Her attempt to force his hand at the conversation shut him up for good. He became flustered and stood up and left in a hurry.
  “There are still dishes in there to wash up, don’t….” SLAM! went her front door as Jacob barged out of the house. She got up, not as fast as him from her swollen ankles mainly due to old age, and opened the front door and yelled at him as he attempted to start his car, “Jacob get back in here and clean these dishes!!” She suddenly realized he was a grown man and not a child and felt embarrassed at yelling at him across the yard for others to hear. He ignored her and kept trying to start his car.
  Angry at him for acting like a fool and also embarrassed, she then yelled, “That is the LAST free meal you're getting here!” and closed her front door. She walked over and sat down in her chair that sat directly in front of her television. She remoted over to her channel and tried to enjoy her show, but was still too flustered at her son to laugh at the jokes. Jacob was not a simple man, but sometimes he acted like one; God love him.

***

  He finally started his car and pulled out of her driveway. She infuriated him, at times, in the way that only a parent can. The stall he knew was coming, but he was thankful to get out of her front yard and as far away as possible. The desolate neighborhood road was not disturbed by his car’s stall three houses down and in front of a stop sign. He pulled it over to the side and placed it in park. As he cranked the engine several times, he lost his temper, which was only moments from exploding over anything. He pounded on the shitty steering wheel of his shitty car. He wanted to cry at his complete helplessness and frustration of his life. He blamed his intelligence at knowing he could accomplish so much more and knowing he never will be given a chance to.
  Jacob had finally gotten home from him storming out of Ma’s house. He laid on his bed listening to the baseball game playing on the radio, the Boston Red Soxes were playing. A few tears had fallen at some point, he felt the dried tears upon his cheeks. The game playing was just noise in the background. His mind drifted, reliving the two times he got to see them play. He did not realize how big of a baseball fan he was until he saw a live game. Being in the upper seats, a few chili dogs and beer. The food was overpriced and mediocre quality, but it was part of the fun. He wished he was there. He had gone while he was in college. The first ticket was free from a friend and the second he paid for. They lost both games but became a fan for life.
  This was only a small part of what he missed being stuck in his small hometown: the people, the coffee, the food, the drinks, the atmosphere, and the opportunities. There was an invisible tether that bound him to that small town that would lead to his death, with no hope of living the life he wants. His mother had commented on his persistent mood before and called him out on it. Told him he was sulking like a child and to grow up. This was a prison though, and outside he knew what his life could be like. He would be at that game right now, having over priced chili dogs and beer.
  The conversation with Ma ran through his head. She would be too proud to admit praying for him to stay there. She did not know she held the key to his real life outside. He did not understand why he still acted like a child around her. In college, he had given a few presentations in his class. He would be nervous beforehand, but once he started talking, he felt like he commanded the entire room. He held their attention, gave them the facts, and answered questions throughly. When he talked with Ma, he could barely hold a few sentences together.
  He was ready for real work and real stress that came from a high-paying job, hungry for it. The sound from the crowd filled his ears, a white noise from a good play. He rubbed his eyes with the thought of, ‘I guess I could kill her over it’ and laughed at himself.

  The next day.
  BEEP
  BEEP
  BEEP
  Swipe item after item from the conveyor belt across the scanner to slide over the wooden counter to the bagger. He wondered why he wanted this so badly. It was mind numbing and boring. The worst part was the people. They all had sympathetic looks on their faces at the news that the love of his life was gone forever.
  “Did you tell her you were sorry?” someone would ask.
  “Did you buy her flowers?” another would ask.
  “You should have proposed. Everyone knew you loved her,” another would say.
On and on and on. They even dropped the lines of “You are in my prayers,” which gave him a chill, each time, like ice cold water running slowly down his back. Here he was trying to do the best he can, given his small town, but he could not escape. He almost missed the dirty kitchen and rusted sink. So many people cared for him and had prayers for him. He felt trapped by them all. Being crushed alive by their cruelty of kindness. Maybe some were only saying that, and they did not mean it. That gave him some hope.
  He tried to tell them he was happy for her, but they did not listen. The time dragged on as the feeling of dread of if the next person was going to say the ‘prayer’ word.
  Days turned into weeks, and Jacob’s misery compounded. The dread of the whole day weighed heavily upon him. The words that they would utter by most of the town. Damning words of doom that began new cycles of prayers. Thoughts and prayers slowly building a brick wall millimeter by millimeter, with progress so slight that it’s unseen by the naked eye, but he knows it and can feel it encaging him. His dour mood apparent to all only piles on the millimeters of concrete and mortar. His boss with disapproving looks at his lack of enthusiasm with customers and constant bathroom breaks to ease his torment and burden from the assault from everyone.
  “I thought you wanted to work here. I am beginning to have second thoughts, Jacob,” his manager scolded him, “I am trying to give you some space with Angie leaving and all, but my patience is wearing thin and is becoming an annoyance. Smile. Be polite. Don’t act like it’s your last day of your life. Change your mood or I will quickly fire you,”
  “Yes, sir. Thank you for your kindness. I will do better.”
  “Alright then. Take a break from the register. Go do some restocking on aisle five and think on it some,” his manager instructed him.
  Jacob shook his ill thoughts some and tried to ignore the slow progress of the wall as everyone was looking at him and walked over to aisle five to finish his boss’s restocking. Marshmallows and cocoa powder mix reminded him of being a child when Ma would make hot cocoa for him. He was relieved for the reprieve of the continuous harassment and continued the work effectively and quietly. He needed to stay in his manager’s good graces, wall and prayers or not.
  A sound suddenly erupted from behind him. Words from an elderly woman that awfully lashed out at him. The words emerged as a snake with a quick venomous bite, a curse that landed upon him as a heavy book on top of his head.
  “… I pray for you every night….” She uttered to him and turned to walk away from him. Thankfully, she had difficulty hearing, due to her age, for she neglected to witness the impact her words had on him. He had been kneeling down, resting on the balls of his feet, restocking a low shelf. Her surprised assault caused him to lose his balance and topple against the shelf. His chest quickly tightened and his hand spasmed that led to a squeezed bag of marshmallows. His vision narrowed as darkness encroached upon him. A quick onset of a massive panic attack that lasted only a few moments and was unnoticed by all. For him, it was a slow death and then rebounded back to life. It perhaps was mere moments, but the death and revival felt like a lifetime. The ruined bag of marshmallows, he tightly gripped in his hand, was the only evidence of a such a cruel act. He sat there for a few moments as he tried to slow his breathing and regain his life. His chest hurt for the remainder of the day.

***

  Ma walked into her bedroom and opened the door. She found someone standing over her dresser. They were looking for something. It startled her greatly. She thought she was alone in the house.
  “Jesus boy! You about killed me! What are you doing snooping through my medicine son? You aren’t poppin’ pills now, are yeah?!”
  “No, Ma. I was just looking through to see what kind of medication you are on.”
  “What are you, my doctor!? There is nothing fun. Just heart medication and liver medication and anti-inflammatory medication and medication to help me not be constipated because the liver medication makes me constipated, medication that doesn’t make me light-headed cause the heart medication makes me light-headed, and oh … I forget the rest I just take them. Why do you want to know? Get out of my bedroom!” she ordered her son.
  “I’m sorry Ma. I just want to know how bad of shape you are in.”
  “I’m very old son. Everything hurts, and I am surprised every morning I wake up.” Jacob left with a look of shame and did not mutter a word.
  ‘What the hell is wrong with him?’ she wondered as she made sure he left for the night. She got ready for bed and turned out all the lights in the house. As her head hit the pillow worrying about her son, she thought no more of the event.
  Weeks passed, and it was late at night. Ma awoke to a sound downstairs. She sat up in bed and listened and she heard a different sound the second time. She got up out of bed and walked over to her door. She opened the door and peered out, hiding behind it mostly. Down at the landing, a figure stepped in front of the windows. It held a large shadow of a man. She quickly shut the door behind her and fear sprang alive in her heart and head. She locked it just in time and kept her weight against it as the strange shadowed man ran the rest of the way up the stairs and pushed against the door.
  He pushed and turned the knob on the door as she prayed he would leave her alone and that the lock stayed locked. She held herself against the door, partly dazed in terror and unsure of what to do. Aware that her weight against the door would not hold against him, she still held herself there. He threw himself against the door multiple times. Every thrust against the door felt like it would be knocked down.
  “Leave me alone!” she screamed out at the door’s assailant. A few more thrusts against it and she heard him retreating down the stairs. She cried in her hand over her mouth at the reprieve. The man might have left, but the fear was still in her. The door suddenly felt thin and frail, and she knew he would return. She grabbed her keys and opened the door. Awaiting at the top of the stairs to see if he actually left to make a run for it. In the silence she hoped was her safety, she quickly went down the stairs and out the back door. Upon her descent, she felt a little weary and light-headed. Leaning heavily upon the railing was her only saving grace.

***

  Jacob was jarred awake. Then suddenly felt a jolt of movement from where he slept. It took him a moment to remember where he was and another moment to realize what was going on. He laid in the back seat of Ma’s car. He did not realize how good of a sleep he was getting until after he woke up.
  The car was a staging area. A place he would go every night to argue with himself about what to do. He was able to make it this far, but he could never bring himself to go further. He could never go inside the house. The need to act was so strong, but it equaled the need to stop himself. He could not do it. Some nights he would leave after an hour and other nights he would fall asleep. It made logical sense, but also had airs of madness. The weight of the decision was heavy and if he was wrong, he could never forgive himself. And if he wasn’t wrong, then the question would become, would it be worth it?
  He realized almost immediately that his mother was driving the car. Why she was driving, he was not sure. He had ridden with her long enough in his life he could pick up on her impulses and driving patterns. She was driving fast and erratic.
  She did not like to drive at night and he had prior turned off the light when the door opened. It was dark enough she would not have seen her son laying in the back seat. He gripped the driver’s seat in front of him and the back seat to steady herself.
  “Got to get to Jeremy’s… got to get to Jeremy’s… it will be ok… it will be ok…” she muttered. Jeremy was the sheriff. He was unsure why she was driving there. Jacob felt a sudden panic about being found out about being in her back seat. He had no thought to explain it. Something else slowly rose to the top of his mind. Another mental image that faded everything else away.
  This was the same car she had since he was a child. She drove him to school in it so many times. When he was sick and she rushed him to the hospital that one time. Driving him home from church at night from a potluck dinner and falling asleep before he got home. There were so many moments and memories of being back there with her driving. Instead of it leaving a warm feeling in him, it instead left a sickening one. Frustration of his life flooded him and he was sick of being in his mom’s backseat. He wanted his own life. A great job and paycheck. A wife and perhaps children. To be out of this town. He quickly sat up.
  The sudden shadow of a person in her rearview mirror scared her and she neglected to turn a corner. The car instead slammed into a tree and it hit hardest on the driver’s side. The car bounced off of the pole, and Jacob was surprised he was uninjured from the wreck.

***

  Her head had slammed against the steering wheel, which dazed her. She could feel something, but was unsure of what it was. She realized something was grabbing her head. It was a pair of hands and they gripped her head tightly. It felt to her like someone was trying to remove her head. She opened her eyes to see a man in her backseat wrestling her head around. His eyes burned bright with a feverish anger. A desperation shone in them. Their eyes met briefly as her neck snapped. The last image of her long life was her son in her back seat of her car, killing her for reasons unknown.

***

  His face flushed with guilt. He had just killed his own mother. He opened the backdoor of her car and closed it. The curved road was empty of traffic and houses. He knew where he was and started walking back to his shitty apartment. The walk slowly turned into a run. He had never felt as wrong as he had at that moment from killing his ma. His guilt spurred his running speed. Tears rolled down his face. He got off the road and ran down a small embankment of trees. The field he then stepped into was a direct path back to his place. He slowed down to a quick walk. His hands trembled from their sinly act. It was a good thing he had a long distance to walk, the shock and terror of what he did filled him with a great disturbance. The exercise helped alleviate it. After a long walk and regained his breath, he started running once more. More than an hour had passed by the time he got back. His physical exhaustion outweighed his shock. He laid on the bed panting and his hands still trembled.
  Moments later, he saw flashing lights at his only window behind a closed shade. A shadow of a man with a hat grew in size on the wall. A knock came at the door. Jacob refused to get up. The second knock urged him up. He turned on a light to let Jeremy know he heard him. It took him another minute to stand up. He felt like he was going to be sick. His hands had stopped trembling, the run back took it out of him. All he had left was nausea and guilt. He opened the door to see Jeremy.
  “Jesus, you look like shit. Must be that bug going around?” he answered his own question.
Jacob forced a cough. “How can I help yea, Jeremy?”
  “I have some bad news, son,” Jeremy said. “There is no need to sugarcoat it. Son, your mother is dead.”
  “What?” was all Jacob could said.
  “I’m sorry.” He said, barely looking Jacob in the eye. He let out a long breath and then said,     “Come to the station in the morning and we will fill you in.”
  The next morning, Jacob arrived there. Everyone there was somber. The dispatcher gave Jacob a cup of coffee and did not look him in the eye.
  “Did you sleep any?” Jeremy asked. “I sure didn’t. Let’s talk in my office.” He offered Jacob to sit down. He sat down, numb by everything and drank the coffee, it was warm. Jeremy told him how Ma died in a car wreck. That someone had broken into her home and stole a few things. She drove away, terrified of the interaction with the burglar.
  “I am sorry for you lost. She was a good christian woman. Your mother helped a lot when my mother passed, and helped my dad. She came over everyday with a new dish. It helped my dad to see how much she cared for his wellbeing. It meant a lot to me as well. Justice is not always there. Unfortunately, justice will not be there for your mom.”
  “What do you mean?”
  “The man responsible for your mother’s death will not be brought to justice. From the point of view of the law, we can not pin her death to him. I mean, I wish I had that son of a bitch locked in one of my cells. He deserves death and worse… torture. There is this thing that I read about once where you slice a man’s belly open and take out his intestines and wrap it around this rod with spikes. And then just slowly… Well… I am sorry that is not a polite thing to talk about right now.
  “I could have brought you to the scene of the wreck last night, but it was nasty business. The way her neck was twisted around. Almost like someone killed her. Well, I don’t mean to keep you. I just wanted to let you know that nothing good is going to come from her death.”
  Jacob looked at him puzzled. “Your mother would not have gotten in that car if it wasn’t for the man who came to her house to steal from her. He led to the event of her driving that late at night. I know that we can see he is responsible, but a judge or jury will never convict him. The man responsible will not see justice.”
  Jacob finished his coffee and excused himself. He went down the hall to their bathroom that led to the doorway of their cells. The acid from the coffee got to him. He found himself violently throwing up in their toilet. He washed his mouth out with water and left. There was no need to identify the body, because everyone knew her.
  Jacob went back to his shithole apartment to move out. It took an hour to pack everything and then moved back into Ma’s home. Days passed and everything was properly handled: her will, the funeral arraignments, the house, her bank account, etc. The funeral offered little comfort as well did people’s sympathies. The sadness and shame hanged around his neck like a noose for a murderer. He wept like a child at her funeral. It was closed casket. People brought by food for a few days and then they stopped. He sat alone in that home that did not feel like was his. After two months, he started giving away, throwing away, and selling everything that was hers.
  He never went back to that job at the grocery store and he put the house up for sale and bought a bus ticket. The bus didn’t break down and made it all the way to Boston. He just knew that things would be better now.